It's a BOY!!

On April 3rd Shane and I got to have our first ultrasound at 19 weeks along. I had been looking forward to it for several weeks and couldn't wait to see our baby. Shane's mom, my mom, sister and dad were able to be at the ultrasound with us. It was an amazing experience! Being able to see our baby move around made everything feel so much more real, and we were instantly in love. Ever since we found out I was pregnant I have had a feeling it was going to be a boy. Shane along with most everyone else thought it was going to be a girl, so I had to rub it in a little bit that mommas instincts were right. He measured about 11 ounces and was an active little guy. The ultrasound tech would go to look at a specific part of his body and he would move and turn and make it more difficult for her. I have loved seeing my belly grow and I can't wait until I can start feeling the little guy move. I have absolutely loved being pregnant and am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be pregnant. As hard as the 4.5 years of trying was, I know this baby will be worth the wait, effort and trial we had to go through to get him here. I read a saying today that said "sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place." Looking back now I believe that to be true. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and I know His plan will always be better than my plan. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My trials have strengthened my testimony and has made my relationship with Heavenly Father stronger. He really is a God of miracles and I am so glad He is blessing me with one of His miracles. I cannot wait to be a mommy and raise this little boy up in the gospel.

 

20 Weeks!

I'm Pregnant!!!!

On December 18, 2013 was one of the best, most exciting days of my life. I was a day late of my cycle and decided to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would come back negative, because it always did in the past. To my surprise the test came back positive, so I took another one and it too came back positive. I started to cry and pace around my house and pray out loud to Heavenly Father to let this be true and real. I was so shocked and so excited I called Shane, who was at work, to tell him our amazing news. I was crying and blubbering that I took a pregnancy test and got two pink lines. He couldn’t really understand what I was saying due to my crying, but he finally put two and two together and got it. We did a blood test later that day to get a second confirmation. On December 20^th I went to the temple with my parents and when they came to pick me up I gave them a poem to read. They both started to cry. My dad, being the humorous guy that he is, says, “So you’re knocked up?” I said, “Yep I’m knocked up.” He replied, “Finally got passed the goalie?” I said, “yep, finally!” We all had a little laugh and continued to the temple. It was so nice and comforting to be there that day, especially to show my gratitude. On December 21^st we drove down to Shane’s parent’s house for Christmas. We were there for a little while and I couldn’t contain my excitement any longer. We pulled Shane’s parents aside and gave them a copy of the poem as well. They got teary eyed and gave us a hug. After that we broke the news to everyone else. It was the best, most amazing Christmas surprise ever. On January 22, 2014 we got to have our first appointment with the nurse. I was 9 weeks pregnant and the nurse was nice enough to feel around for a while until she found the heartbeat. It was an amazing sound and so comforting to be able to hear. This miracle has made me realize how blessed I really am and that my Heavenly Father cares about me and is listening to my prayers. He is mindful of my wants and needs. It has been so humbling to see how He has been shaping me the last 4.5 years to prepare me for this experience. Even when I thought He wasn’t there or listening to me, I now realize that He was always there, He never left me alone. It was just my own anger and frustration that was keeping me from being so close to Him.

Here is a copy of the poem we gave to our parents.

I do not have a face to see,

Or put inside a frame.

I do not have soft cheeks to kiss.

I don’t yet have a name.

You can’t yet hold my tiny hands,

Nor whisper in my ear.

It’s still too soon to sing a song,

Or cuddle me so near.

But all will change come August 2014;

That’s when Mom says I’m due.

I am your new grandson or granddaughter;

And I can’t wait to meet you!

All I ask between now and then

Is your patience while I grow.

I promise I’ll be worth the wait;

Because of all the love we’ll know!

So what I have to give you now,

Is a wish to you from me.

I cannot wait to be a part

Of this wonderful family!

Ah ha moment

On January 4th I was listening to some Mormon messages and came across one from Elder D. Todd Christofferson titled "The Will of God." This message hit me hard that day and I have been thinking about it ever since. I have listened to the video a few more times and it makes me tear up every time. The message is about a gardener who cuts down a currant bush that has grown too tall and isn't producing any berries. He cuts the currant bush down and thinks he hears the tree say, "How could you do this to me?" The gardener replies, "I know what I want you to be...someday when you are laden with fruit you will say thank you Mr. gardener for loving me enough to cut me down." That line stuck out the most to me throughout the video. The past 4.5 years that I have been struggling with infertility and other trials, I have gotten angry with God and blamed him and turned away from him rather than turning more to him. After watching this video I felt ashamed and guilty for doing those things. I had a thought of what He would say to me and that is, "If you will just hold on, I will show you who I want you to become. If you hold on and trust in me when you are weak, I will give you the strength you need to overcome your trials." I know that everything will be okay if I trust in his plan for me and accept it. I know that His plan is always better than my plan. After I watched the video I went to my room and got down on my knees and apologized for being so angry and not trusting in Him. I have been so ungrateful for the things He has given me. I know that I will have to face trials in my life and I know that they are for my own good. He gives me trials so that I can become stronger and better, so I can return to Him again when my earthly time is finished. At the end of the video there is another line that hit me hard too. It says, thank you for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me. I know that my Heavenly Father, like my father here on earth, hurts when I hurt and is happy when I am happy. I know that He loves and cares for me and understands what I want and what I am going through. I know that He will never leave me, especially when going through a trial.

Christmas 2013

 Jazlynn, Brielle, Braelyn

The Girls

 The Family

Lately

Lately I have struggled a lot with not being able to become a mom. It is what I have always wanted and it is so hard trying for the last 4.5 years with no results. I have learned so much from this trial and I have tried so hard to have faith and hope that it will happen. One day I found on youtube a song called "I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey and it touched me so much and I cried through the whole song. These are the lyrics to the song:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Last few months

The end of September, Shane and I decided to move back to Idaho. We loved North Platte and the experiences we had there, we just felt it was best for us to move back home. When we got back home we had an unexpected surprise. We had a valve leak the 9 weeks we were in North Platte and it slowly leaked from our upstairs laundry room down to the basement. We had mold growing and our floors were all wet. We stayed at my parents house for a little while until we got it all taken care of with insurance. We were able to move back in after a couple weeks. Now we just have to remodel it...again.
In October I went with my sister Des and her family and my brother Derek and his family and my mom and aunt Julie to the pumpkin patch. It was fun to watch the girls. On Halloween mom and I went with Des and her family trunk- or- treating and later meet Derek and his family at a Mexican restaurant for dinner.
A few days ago we got to spend Thanksgiving with the family. I thought about all the things I have to be thankful for, my amazing husband, my wonderful family, the gospel and the trials I have had to go through the last several years that has made me stronger and a better person. I had Des rent the just dance 2014 game so we could play on the wii. It is always a good time when we get together.
On black Friday mom, Des and I went shopping for most of the day. It was a good time and not so crowded. Later that day Shane met me in town to celebrate our 5th anniversary. It is crazy to think that we have already been married that long. We have had our share of ups and downs, but we always pull through and become stronger individually and as a couple. We went to a movie and later went to get our Christmas tree. We love the smell of a fresh Christmas tree in our house. I love Christmas, it is my absolute favorite holiday.

Just Thinking

I heard a song on the radio that I haven't heard in a long time. It is called "someone else's star" by Bryan White. As the chorus came on I found myself pondering and thinking back to my childhood. The chorus is:
I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I'm wishing for

Why can't I be as lucky
As those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else's star.

It kind of hit home as I look around me and see so many pregnant women and want that more than anything in the world and sometimes it does seem that I am "wishing on someone else's star." As a child I used to look up at the stars and say "star light star bright first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight." Back then I had high hopes that making those wishes they would come true, like making a wish on your birthday and blowing out the candles. If only life were that easy!

I used a lot of the original song, but added some of my own words. My version goes like this:

Alone again tonight without a baby to love

The stars are shining bright so one more wish goes up

Oh I wish I may and I wish with all my might

For the baby I’m dreaming of and missing in my life

You’d think that I could have a baby of my own

It happens all the time to people that I know

Their wishes all come true so I’ve got to believe

There’s still a baby out there who is meant for only me

(chorus)

 I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

It seems like someone else keeps getting what I’m wishing for

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are?

I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

I sit here in the dark and stare up at the sky

But I can’t give my heart one good reason why

Everywhere I look its babies that I see

It seems like everyone has kids everywhere but me

I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

It seems like someone else keeps getting what I’m wishing for

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are?

I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are?

Oh I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star