Christmas 2013

 Jazlynn, Brielle, Braelyn

The Girls

 The Family

Lately

Lately I have struggled a lot with not being able to become a mom. It is what I have always wanted and it is so hard trying for the last 4.5 years with no results. I have learned so much from this trial and I have tried so hard to have faith and hope that it will happen. One day I found on youtube a song called "I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey and it touched me so much and I cried through the whole song. These are the lyrics to the song:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Last few months

The end of September, Shane and I decided to move back to Idaho. We loved North Platte and the experiences we had there, we just felt it was best for us to move back home. When we got back home we had an unexpected surprise. We had a valve leak the 9 weeks we were in North Platte and it slowly leaked from our upstairs laundry room down to the basement. We had mold growing and our floors were all wet. We stayed at my parents house for a little while until we got it all taken care of with insurance. We were able to move back in after a couple weeks. Now we just have to remodel it...again.
In October I went with my sister Des and her family and my brother Derek and his family and my mom and aunt Julie to the pumpkin patch. It was fun to watch the girls. On Halloween mom and I went with Des and her family trunk- or- treating and later meet Derek and his family at a Mexican restaurant for dinner.
A few days ago we got to spend Thanksgiving with the family. I thought about all the things I have to be thankful for, my amazing husband, my wonderful family, the gospel and the trials I have had to go through the last several years that has made me stronger and a better person. I had Des rent the just dance 2014 game so we could play on the wii. It is always a good time when we get together.
On black Friday mom, Des and I went shopping for most of the day. It was a good time and not so crowded. Later that day Shane met me in town to celebrate our 5th anniversary. It is crazy to think that we have already been married that long. We have had our share of ups and downs, but we always pull through and become stronger individually and as a couple. We went to a movie and later went to get our Christmas tree. We love the smell of a fresh Christmas tree in our house. I love Christmas, it is my absolute favorite holiday.

Just Thinking

I heard a song on the radio that I haven't heard in a long time. It is called "someone else's star" by Bryan White. As the chorus came on I found myself pondering and thinking back to my childhood. The chorus is:
I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else's star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I'm wishing for

Why can't I be as lucky
As those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else's star.

It kind of hit home as I look around me and see so many pregnant women and want that more than anything in the world and sometimes it does seem that I am "wishing on someone else's star." As a child I used to look up at the stars and say "star light star bright first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight." Back then I had high hopes that making those wishes they would come true, like making a wish on your birthday and blowing out the candles. If only life were that easy!

I used a lot of the original song, but added some of my own words. My version goes like this:

Alone again tonight without a baby to love

The stars are shining bright so one more wish goes up

Oh I wish I may and I wish with all my might

For the baby I’m dreaming of and missing in my life

You’d think that I could have a baby of my own

It happens all the time to people that I know

Their wishes all come true so I’ve got to believe

There’s still a baby out there who is meant for only me

(chorus)

 I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

It seems like someone else keeps getting what I’m wishing for

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are?

I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

I sit here in the dark and stare up at the sky

But I can’t give my heart one good reason why

Everywhere I look its babies that I see

It seems like everyone has kids everywhere but me

I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

It seems like someone else keeps getting what I’m wishing for

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are?

I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

Why can’t I be as lucky as those other people are?

Oh I guess I must be wishing on someone else’s star

 

New Calling

Today Shane and I had the opportunity to meet with the stake president and one of his counselors before church. All week we have been trying to figure out what we would be meeting them about. We thought it could be a number of things, but we were not expecting what we really got called for. The stake president asked us to share our testimonies and asked each of us if we had served a mission. Shane of course said yes and I said no. The stake president looked at me and said, "well, you get to!"  We were asked to serve in the Sutherland branch and to help grow our stake. We of course accepted, but were a little shocked. We along with 4 other couples will be serving there and will get specific callings there. There are about 20 people that attend that branch, so needless to say, we have a lot of work to do! I felt the spirit so strong today all through church and it was such an amazing feeling. The stake president said president L. Tom Perry asked how they were going to strengthen our stake and the stake president sought it out in prayer. He said 5 couples names came to them and ours was one of them. We now understand why we needed to move to North Platte. The Lord provided us a way to be here through Shane's job. Shane had applied for this same position at about 30 other locations and got an email back saying they weren't interested and he got 2 phone interviews with this DC in North Platte and got offered the job. I was feeling so foolish about thinking before that the Lord wasn't hearing my prayers and I sometimes felt like He wasn't there and here He was preparing us for this calling. It was prof to me again how things don't work on my time, they work on His time and His plan for me. He has blessed me so much and sometimes I don't really see it or recognize it. I know understand also why we haven't received children yet, He has something more important for us at this time, to help build up His kingdom and what a special blessing and opportunity this is. The stake president told us that this will change us and that it will prepare us for what the Lord has planned for us in the future. It was such a testimony builder for me and I am so glad we obeyed and moved here. I am scared and nervous, but I know I will have my eternal companion next to me and as long as I am doing what the Lord asks of me, I will be blessed and things will work out how they are supposed to.

North Platte

Our things got packed on July 18th and loaded the 19th. It was very nice not having to pack and load everything ourselves. We officially moved to North Platte on Wednesday, July 24th. We spent Saturday July 20th with family at my cousin Amaya's birthday party and said our goodbyes before moving. It was an extremely hard day for me; I cried like a baby all night long. Saying bye to my nieces about killed me! I will miss seeing them whenever I want and most of all I will miss them running to me and giving me big hugs. I will miss my best friend and sister Desirae and Derek and his family. Thankfully I got to see Des and the girls on the 23rd one more time. On July 21st we went to sacrament with Jen and Jake and the kids and after sacrament we took 4 of the kids with us to meet Caleb, Sarah, Mandy and Clint and their kids. We had dutch oven chicken and potatoes and later cobbler. It was good to catch up with everyone. On the 22nd we went with Jen and the kids to eat at crown burger for Shane's birthday. The 23rd (Shane's b-day) we drove back home to finish cleaning and packing up the last of our things. We stayed at my parents that night and started our journey to NE on the 24th at 6:30a.m. It was a long drive and we had 9 dogs in the Tahoe with us (our female had 7 pups a week previous) so we had to stop so they could run for a little while.  I was excited to get here and that night it hit hard again that this is now home and I needed to get used to it. I cried a lot that night too. On the 25th the truck arrived and 4 men brought all our things in our rental house and we started the unloading process. On Friday the 26th my mom and dad came to help us out and see the area. They were here for 6 days and we had a lot of fun. We went to Lake Maloney, Lake Ogallala/McConaughy, the golden spike, the fair and looked around the area. They left on Thursday August 1st at 6:45 a.m. It was one of the hardest days for me. I cried all day while Shane was at work. It was so much different without them here and I hated being by myself in a new place. I am so thankful for them and for all they do for me. I miss them so much!

New Adventure

In June Shane got a job offer to be a manager at a walmart distribution center in North Platte, NE. We prayed about it and knew that it is where the Lord wants us to be at this time. Thankfully, North Platte has a population of about 25,000 people, so that made it a little less frightening. On Sunday, July 7th we got to fly out to North Platte to meet the general manager and to find a place to live. We flew out of Pocatello early in the morning on the 7th to SLC, then to Denver, CO and finally to North Platte. The plane from Denver to North Platte was super small and fit about 19 passengers. The take off and landing was a little rough, and Shane and I about lost our lunch. We couldn't wait to get off that plane. We got our rental car and drove to our hotel. We drove around for a little while and went to dinner at applebees. On Monday we went to the DC to meet the general manager and got a tour of the building, which was huge! Most of Monday and Tuesday were spent  looking for a place to rent. It was a lot harder than we thought. Rent was higher than we expected and most places wouldn't allow outdoor dogs. On Tuesday night we had the opportunity to go out to dinner with the general manager and his wife. On Wednesday at 8:00pm we finally signed a lease agreement that would allow dogs. We flew out Thursday early in the morning. It was very nice to be able to see where we would be living. We are still nervous and scared to move, but we know it will be good for us.

Birthday

For some reason this year I was dreading my birthday. I didn't want to turn 27. I'm not sure why it was hard for me this year. Shane made it special for me though like he always does. We went to a movie the night before and on Saturday after work we went to destinations inn in Idaho Falls. It was nice to get away for a little while. And of course he spoiled me with gifts as well. on Sunday we celebrated Mothers Day with the fam and had cake for my birthday. I thought Mothers Day was going to be really hard on me this year. But to my surprise I woke up Sunday feeling ok and I thought about how thankful I am for my mother who is always there for me and loves and supports me no matter what. I thought about how thankful I am for Shane's mom who is always there for us and loves me like one of her own. And for my sister and sister in laws for the wonderful mothers they are to my amazing nieces and nephews. I learn so much from these women and I am so glad I have them in my life. I absolutely love being an Aunt!

Update

4 years of trying with no luck. Some days are still really hard and other days I have to keep telling myself that there is a plan for us and our time will come, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I know that when our time does come, it will be well worth the wait. I can't imagine my life without Shane. He is my rock! When I am weak, he is strong. When I have fallen apart he glues my puzzle pieces back together so I can see the big picture once again. I couldn't have asked for a better eternal companion. We have had our shares of ups and downs, but we have become so much stronger from them. I have learned a lot from this ongoing trial of mine. I have learned to be a little more patient, I have learned to not take family for granted, I have learned that when I am in my darkest moments someone is always there to comfort me and let me know that I will be okay, I have learned to love and cherish children more than I did before and realize just how special they really are. I have tried to be a better Aunt to my nieces and nephews and to let them know how much I love them.
 I don't have a lot to update on since I have kind of kept up on it this year. It has been 9 months since the little guy went back home. It still feels like I was just kissing his little face and putting him to bed just yesterday. He will always have a special place in our hearts and we will always love him very much. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and miss him.
As of right now we are not doing any treatments until we are more financially stable and get an answer of what to do next. I started a new job at Allstate on April 15th where I have medical benefits again and can possibly do my surgery again for my endometriosis.
Only time will tell, until then I have to try and keep my head held high and my faith strong and try to wait patiently for my children to be born to me. 

Infertility SUCKS!!!

Well this last month I was on Femara from days 3-7 of my cycle, then gave myself  shots of bravelle on days 7, 9 and 11. On day 12 I went into Dr. Swelstad's office and did an ultrasound to check on the follicles (supposed to be created by the shots). I had 2 mature follicles, one on each side. That night I did a shot of HCG to get those follicles to ovulate. On day 14 (Jan 10) we went in to do the IUI. Everything went well and we thought this was the month we were going to conceive. Well, we were wrong. On Jan 24th, aunt flow came to visit once again. I was devastated, mad, upset. When I got home from work I just laid on my bed and just sobbed. The pain hurt so bad. I felt like a part of me was going away, I felt empty. Shane held me while I cried and we were silent for a while. The tears just kept coming and wouldn't stop. I had a dream the night before that we had a beautiful baby boy. I held him against me and told him how much I loved him. His little eyes were wide awake just looking at me as I was talking to him. I woke up and wanted it to be true with all my heart. It made the pain even worse. Why I have to endure this trial I don't know, but I have to tell myself that God has a plan for me and he knows my pain. It's just hard when I want it more than anything and it just doesn't happen and it doesn't get any easier.
Quotes I found today that have made me laugh, cry and think: