Update

4 years of trying with no luck. Some days are still really hard and other days I have to keep telling myself that there is a plan for us and our time will come, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I know that when our time does come, it will be well worth the wait. I can't imagine my life without Shane. He is my rock! When I am weak, he is strong. When I have fallen apart he glues my puzzle pieces back together so I can see the big picture once again. I couldn't have asked for a better eternal companion. We have had our shares of ups and downs, but we have become so much stronger from them. I have learned a lot from this ongoing trial of mine. I have learned to be a little more patient, I have learned to not take family for granted, I have learned that when I am in my darkest moments someone is always there to comfort me and let me know that I will be okay, I have learned to love and cherish children more than I did before and realize just how special they really are. I have tried to be a better Aunt to my nieces and nephews and to let them know how much I love them.
 I don't have a lot to update on since I have kind of kept up on it this year. It has been 9 months since the little guy went back home. It still feels like I was just kissing his little face and putting him to bed just yesterday. He will always have a special place in our hearts and we will always love him very much. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and miss him.
As of right now we are not doing any treatments until we are more financially stable and get an answer of what to do next. I started a new job at Allstate on April 15th where I have medical benefits again and can possibly do my surgery again for my endometriosis.
Only time will tell, until then I have to try and keep my head held high and my faith strong and try to wait patiently for my children to be born to me. 

Infertility SUCKS!!!

Well this last month I was on Femara from days 3-7 of my cycle, then gave myself  shots of bravelle on days 7, 9 and 11. On day 12 I went into Dr. Swelstad's office and did an ultrasound to check on the follicles (supposed to be created by the shots). I had 2 mature follicles, one on each side. That night I did a shot of HCG to get those follicles to ovulate. On day 14 (Jan 10) we went in to do the IUI. Everything went well and we thought this was the month we were going to conceive. Well, we were wrong. On Jan 24th, aunt flow came to visit once again. I was devastated, mad, upset. When I got home from work I just laid on my bed and just sobbed. The pain hurt so bad. I felt like a part of me was going away, I felt empty. Shane held me while I cried and we were silent for a while. The tears just kept coming and wouldn't stop. I had a dream the night before that we had a beautiful baby boy. I held him against me and told him how much I loved him. His little eyes were wide awake just looking at me as I was talking to him. I woke up and wanted it to be true with all my heart. It made the pain even worse. Why I have to endure this trial I don't know, but I have to tell myself that God has a plan for me and he knows my pain. It's just hard when I want it more than anything and it just doesn't happen and it doesn't get any easier.
Quotes I found today that have made me laugh, cry and think:

Sleepover

On December 7, 2012, Des, Mike and the girls picked me up at my house and we drove over to the church for my parents Christmas party. We had a good time watching people square dance and Brie got to see Santa, which ended up kind of scaring her, but she was excited about getting popcorn  from him. Baby Rae was getting upset, so we drove back to my house and turned on a movie. Brie was determined to stay at aunties house, so we got her in her pajamas and played. We watched "Horton hears a who" until about 11:00 and I was tired so I tried to put Brie in the crib. She was crying and yelling "auntie, auntie." I can't stand to hear her cry, it breaks my heart so I went and got her and we went and laid in Shane and I's bed. She finally fell asleep and I tried to transport her to the spare room to put her in the crib. She woke up when I got to the door and started to cry and said "no bed auntie, no bed" so we went back to our bed. I didn't get a lot of sleep that night, but I loved that she had to sleep right next to me or be touching me to know I was still there. She is such a funny girl. I loved having my little cuddle bug with me. I love being an aunt and getting to spoil my nieces and nephews.

Fertility

On October 2,2012, I had taken an ovulation test and it came back positive. That morning I had the strongest feeling that doing an IUI that day would work. I hadn't really got anything like that before so I was sure it was Heavenly Father giving me inspiration.Shane and I discussed it and decided to make an appointment with Dr Cox to do an IUI.  The office said we could go in that day so it all worked out. They had to incubate the sperm for about 45 min before doing the IUI so we took a little drive. I was super nervous and asked Shane to give me a blessing. In his blessing he asked that the IUI would work and the egg would accept the sperm and be fertilized. I was comforted and thought this was the day we would conceive, it was finally going to happen!  At the priesthood session of conference Shane said he felt like he got an answer that we were pregnant, the procedure had worked.Well 2 weeks later, low and behold Aunt Flow came to visit. I was so shocked and hurt. Why would we have all of those strong feelings for nothing? What more were we supposed to learn from this trial?

We had been on a fertility medication, femara, for 2 months and decided we may need to look further into a fertility specialist. So, on October 20, 2012, Shane, my mom and I meet with Dr Swelstad in their Sandy, UT office to do an ultrasound and some blood work. In the ultrasound Dr Swelstad found that I had 3 cysts by my left ovary that needed to be taken care of before we continued on with fertility medications. After the appointment, mom and I went shopping in Sandy and Shane went back to help Caleb work on a house. It was nice to go shopping and try to take my mind off fertility stuff for a little while.

One of the blood work tests we did is called an OAR (ovarian assessment report). The office called about a week or so later with the results. The test had found that I don't have as many eggs as most women my age. It showed also that my brain had to work a little bit harder to try and tell my ovary to release an egg.


Dr. Swelstad had me take birth control for 6 weeks to see if it would shrink my cysts or make them go away. Well the birth control made me crazy! I was super moody, irritated, got depressed and got really really sore breasts. I tried to switch it but the generic I was taking was apparently the generic of the other birth control they had prescribed. After 6 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound to see the results. On November 29 (our 4th anniversary) we drove to Dr. Swelstad's Layton, UT office. The ultrasound showed that the birth control had shrunk the cysts a little bit, which was a relief. He recommended that I stay on birth control for 2 more weeks and than went over his plan for me. He wants me to do femara days 3-7 of my cycle, do shots (that create more follicles) on days 7,9 and 11 and do an ultrasound on the 12th day to check the follicles and see if we have a good shot at getting one egg to fertilize, then do an IUI on day 14 (or whenever I ovulate). Shane and I were a little overwhelmed at how we were going to pay for all of this since it would total up to 1000.00 dollars for a maybe. Do we risk it or no? It is so hard to try and decide what to do.

Happy Day!

On Aug 13, 2012, our little foster baby went home. Shane and I were so heartbroken and wanted him back more than anything. We wondered if we would ever be able to see him again. We wondered if he would even remember us if we ever did see him. A couple months passed by and we kind of lost hope of ever getting to see the little guy again. On November 5, 2012 I got a text at work asking how I was. I replied and asked who it was texting me. It was the little guys mom. I was shocked and excited at the same time. We set up a time to meet the following day, on November 6, at the mall so he could play on the toys there. Shane and I were so excited and nervous. We got to the mall and waited for them to get there. I wanted to run over and kiss his little face, but I didn't know how his parents would react. Shane and I crouched down so we were at his level and started talking to him. He just looked at us and smiled like he was trying to figure us out. We started playing with him like we did in our home and he starting laughing and running around. It was so good to hear his laugh, we had missed it so much. I thought he would forget about us and just want his mom and dad, but it was almost the opposite. We played for about an hour and decided we better get heading home so we could vote before 8:00. His mom let me carry him out to the car, which I was so thankful for. When we got to their car he reached for Shane, so I handed him to Shane. He gave Shane a big hug and just laid on his shoulder for a min. Shane handed him to me and I gave him to his mom to load him in his car seat. He started to cry and reach for Shane and I. It took all I had to say goodbye and walk to my car. I wanted to reach out to his little arms and hold him tight and never let go, but I knew I couldn't. It broke my heart, but warmed it at the same time, he remembered us and still wanted us as much as we did him. I will always love that little boy like he is my own.

Labor Day

On Friday we left work a little early and drove down to Utah to get some dinner at Iggy’s with a couple in our ward, then went to the Bees game. After the Bees game we drove to Boise and got there at 4:00 in the morning and stayed in a hotel. We got up and had breakfast then headed out to drive the rest of the way to Washington. We stayed at Shane’s parents’ apartment and relaxed for a few days. It was really nice to get away. We drove around, went shopping a little bit, went to a waterfall (South Falls) and went to 2 movies, then drove home on Tuesday.

Goodbye

On August 13, 2012, Shane and I had to say goodbye to our sweet little foster baby. We had him in our home for 10 months and got to watch him go from rolling over to walking. We got him at 8 months old and he was almost 18 months old when he left.  He was such a good and fun little guy. Before he left he would blow kisses, say bye and done (all done). He loved to be outside and play and go for walks in the stroller. He loved to be chased around the house, he would laugh really hard and walk as fast as he could while looking back. It was one of our favorite games.  It was such a hard day for Shane and I. The night before he left we let him stay up a little later so we could play longer and read stories. He loved to read stories and flip through books. When he would get excited about new things he had learned he would smile big and clap his little hands, then look at Shane and I and wait for us to clap and say "yeah, good job buddie." That night he was really hot in his crib so he couldn't sleep very well. I went into his room a couple times and he would see me, reach his little arms up and I couldn't resist. I picked him up and rocked him back to sleep. At about 2:00 in the morning I brought him into our bed and cuddled him for a while. He thought it was pretty cool to be in our bed with us so he wouldn't fall asleep, he just kept talking away. We all went for a little walk before the case worker came to get him. It was so hard to put him in her car and say goodbye. We gave him a sippy cup and his favorite blankie for the ride home. He waved bye bye and blew us kisses. Shane and I cried for quite a while, then got out of the house to go to a movie to try and distract us. It has been a little over 3 weeks and we still have times when we cry and just want him back. He has such a cute and fun personality. We hope that someday we will get to see him again, but for now, we are just very grateful for the opportunity of having him and we would do it all over again.